2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals
This is basically just belts and chandelier parts, and I have -- and this is not the first time I've ever said this before, which is horrifying -- no idea how we're not getting full frontal. BECAUSE...
Miley Cyrus Hosts the MTV Video Music Awards
Those are DEFINITELY bare ass cheeks. Don't worry: I am writing a lovely thank you note to Miley's g-string right now, on my finest stationery. That scrap of cloth did yeoman's work last night, and we all owe it a debt.
Miley Cyrus Hosts the MTV Video Music Awards
Not that anyone is paying any attention to her hands, but it's only fair to note that her manicure is fantastic.
Miley Cyrus Hosts the MTV Video Music Awards
The awesome thing is that Miley can save this for when she's doing dinner theatre in Boca when she's 75 and it will fit right in.
Miley Cyrus Hosts the MTV Video Music Awards
This is my favorite outfit of the night, as it is also the only outfit that is actually technically clothing. Also, if you are around my age, and you lived through the 90s and ever went to a rave, get ready to revisit some of the worst looks that ever floated past your face, starting with whatever is happening on her head.
Miley Cyrus Hosts the MTV Video Music Awards
Like, sincerely, if you ever watched a teen movie set in 1994 where the characters attend a Wild Party(TM) of any sort, you are familiar with these pants, and, in fact, this entire look. She's just missing a candy pacifier, a glow stick, and her tiny backpack. (I assume she's got the ecstasy -- as we Olds used to call molly -- on lockdown.)
Miley Cyrus Hosts the MTV Video Music Awards
"OH, those are LIPS," I said at one point when I was looking at this shirt, as if it were a terrific revelation and not a weird thing to be saying about someone's clothing. I think they're also actually a whimsical throw pillow, but whatever.
Miley Cyrus Hosts the MTV Video Music Awards
Every single person in the mosh pit there saw a LOT of Miley, given that she's just wearing drink coasters and a shower curtain. The combination of which makes me think that maybe Miley Cyrus harbors a secret terror of water damage.
Miley Cyrus Hosts the MTV Video Music Awards
We also need to talk about how much Miley talked about her weed habit last night. Look, I am not a pot-smoker, personally, but pot is not a shocking indulgence in a 22 year old woman. Especially a musician who lives in Los Angeles, where 50% of the population has a medicinal marijuana card and there are dispensaries on every street. Guffawing about smoking pot in literally every skit just makes you seem like that high school dude who talked about how often he was getting laid and who was later revealed to be a virgin. You're overselling this, Miley.
Miley Cyrus Hosts the MTV Video Music Awards
Let's be honest: The real hero of this evening was wig tape. Let's give it up for wig tape.
Miley Cyrus Hosts the MTV Video Music Awards
Also, now we all know that Miley's been doing most of her tanning in a thong. PS: I think if you had been in a coma for fifteen years and this was the first thing you saw when you came to, and someone told you that it was Xtina and she was STILL in her Dirrty phase, you might just believe them. (Also obviously the first thing you show a coma victim are photos of the most recent VMAs.)
Miley Cyrus Hosts the MTV Video Music Awards
I'm going to try to take a station break for positivity and note that those shoes are quite cute.
Miley Cyrus Hosts the MTV Video Music Awards
In addition to giving toupee tape a big round of applause, let's pour some out for Miley's waxer.
Miley Cyrus Hosts the MTV Video Music Awards
I swear to God, one of the Spice Girls wore this once in a lesser Spice Girls video. (Lunch time poll: Best Spice Girls video? I vote for 2 Become 1, myself.)
Miley Cyrus Hosts the MTV Video Music Awards
This is at least pleasantly whimsical. Oh, Miley. I wish you'd just popped up and sung "Wrecking Ball" and then just left. It would have been a dated and minimalist approach to hosting, but still.
Miley Cyrus Hosts the MTV Video Music Awards
Exactly.