The 2016 Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins
It's been an eternity since a Pittsburgh team won a championship IN Pittsburgh. The Pens therefore obviously failed to win Game 5 and had to gut out a road game to get the Cup. A game, by the way, in which the Sharks played lights-out and there were times I caught myself holding my breath for longer than I'd have thought myself capable. It was so great -- an example of the best kind of hockey, with agonizing misses and fantastic saves and a blistering pace, and not too much punching.
Nick Bonino
Not only do we get here the requisite Baby in the Cup photo, but we have one of the bushiest beards. I put Bonino first because, while it is tough to call it definitively the fullest, it is surely the tallest. That sucker has PURE VOLUME.
Bonino was a summer acquisition, made shortly after Sullivan was hired, and he led the team in assists in the playoffs. He was on what I would term the ragtag line -- one that wasnt full of big superstars, but was STOCKED with people who played like they were. And his baby is like, "Huh, so this is life outside the womb? I really... nobody prepped me for this."
Pascal Dupuis
Pascal Dupuis is very soulful. Actually, he's a vital veteran who had to retire in December after injuries and blood clots (!). But they brought him back to hold the Cup, and it was really touching. I LOVE Dupuis. And that is a damned dignified beard right there. That beard could run for political office. And he has very nice eyes and eyebrows. He MIGHT be my Hockey Retiree Boyfriend, which I'm sure he'll be delighted to hear.
Tom Kuhnhackl
Every time Mike Emrick said Kuhnhackl's name, it made me think of pinochle, which made me think of the Cosby Show (where I first heard of that game), which... was weird, frankly.
But, that is an impressive outcropping there, Tom. He scored his first NHL goal this year in February and closed strong. Welcome to the pros, kid.
Phil Kessel
Kessel is a great story. He was basically booed off his first two teams, most recently the Maple Leafs in 2015, who dished him to the Penguins. Where he was BRILLIANT. I want to know what he's plotting to do with the Cup right there, besides kiss it. You KNOW he's got some ideas.
Also, a Toronto columnist's farewell piece about Kessel claimed the Leafs hated him and that he ate a street hot dog every day. You are MY KIND OF BRO, Phil.
[I had a link in here earlier to a piece about him taking out a full page ad thanking Toronto for running him out of town, but it was a fake story -- I didn't pay full attention to where it was posted. OH WELL.]
Patric Hornqvist
Do not adjust your screens. Believe it or not, this is NOT the same man as in the previous photo -- and neither one of them is secretly the man from TWO photos ago. They are not each other's line mates, either, which is a shame. They could be the Yukon Cornelius line.
Justin Schultz
The only time it's cool to be toothless.
Matt Murray and Bryan Rust
Bryan Rust, on the right over there, went to Notre Dame -- Doc Emrick must have mentioned that every time Rust touched the puck, which I assume is because NBC owns both the NHL playoffs and Notre Dame football -- and so clearly he's my favorite. That is a GREAT beard for a kid in his second pro year.
Matt Murray
Murray, for his part, has some MAJOR creeping cheek fuzz. It's annexing all kinds of territory, and this is only his FIRST season, so just imagine what might be in another seven years. He started the season in the AHL, and was our backup goalie until Marc-Andre Fleury went out with a concussion at the end of March. Murray came in and had to beat the Rangers -- after suffering a concussion himself somewhere in there -- and then put back the Washington Capitals -- the Pens' hated rivals, the Cup favorites, and the team with the NHL's best record. One rough game against Tampa got him benched again in favor of Fleury, but then Fleury was bad enough that Murray got the gig back after just one rest. And he never gave it up, and now I suspect Fleury will be traded. His 15 playoff wins tie an NHL rookie record.
Ben Lovejoy
We're going to lose Lovejoy to free agency, I think. BOO. Also, his daughter gazing into the cup makes me want someone to bring this to Prince George for the day. "MUMMY WHERE ARE MY MUSHY PEAS I MUST EAT THEM OUT OF THIS SILVER MOUNTAIN MUMMY NOW THANK YOU YES." He would be appalled to know that this comparative peasant has taller silver than his grandmother.
Chris Kunitz
"Shit, did I lose another tooth? No, wait, that's just a hairball."
Chris Kunitz and Trevor Daley
Trevor, there in the background, somehow didn't get snapped hoisting the cup -- or rather, not in our subscription. This is a bummer because it's always a big deal to see who gets the Cup after the captain hoists it, and this year, Crosby handed it off to Daley because Daley's mother has cancer and really, really wanted to be able to see her son with the trophy. Daley -- who missed the last nine playoff games with a broken ankle -- even tried to deflect the gesture because he'd been out, but Crosby insisted because of Mama Daley. That is... hang on, sorry, it's raining on my face.
Either Ben Affleck or Tom Hardy will play Daley in the movie.
Matt Cullen
Matt's like, "Look. Three kids. Do you know how hard they will ride me if I have the kind of beard where food full-on LIVES? I can't."
Sid the Kid
Crosby deserves applause. Not just for being delightful, but please look at his beard. Appreciate that beard. Because it was not always there.
crosby-2009-2016-beards
I mean, compare his measly 2009 offering on the left to the current faceful. Sidney Crosby's follicles FINALLY came in! That, or he washes his face in Rogaine. We may never know.
Carl Hagelin
I always feel like Carl Hagelin has the name of a NASCAR driver. And he has the beard of a 20-year old surf instructor.
Marc-Andre Fleury
Aw, Flower. It's been a good run. We'll miss you. Maybe your fortunes would have changed if you hadn't manscaped? Just a thought.
Evgeni Malkin
Crosby got all the heat for his reedy playoff beards, but COME ON, GENO. Are you even trying?
Steven Olesky
"She told me she wouldn't make out with me if I grew one. I'm not an idiot. I chose wisely."
Olli Määttä and Mario Lemieux
"Kid, you're gonna be a sensation. But you have the face of a newborn. We have a saying in hockey, son. 'If you can't grow it, glue it.' Talk to Sidney. He'll know what to do."
I can't just leave without telling you that this child a) missed a bunch of last season wiht the MUMPS, of all things, and b) his Wikipedia page says, "Määttä began playing hockey in 2000 after he complained to his parents that all of the other kids were allowed to play hockey. His favorite book is the English dictionary and his favorite food is mushroom soup." Has anyone taught him about the birds and the bees yet?
Patric Steidle
This man is a medic. A MEDIC went deeper into Playoff Beard Mode than the assistant captain.
Bubbly
Touching the Stanley Cup is my fondest dream -- it's my favorite of the trophies -- and getting to drink out of it would basically end me. I would topple over with glee. And drunkenness. But for sure some glee.
PARTY
I mean. I want to be in that booze shower. I want to drink it ALL from that magnificent thing.
YES MORE
Yep, I would even drink that. FOAM FOR EVERYONE. Hockey, you are the best.