Prince William
You know this, in the from of some homemade poster, graced the walls of many a dorm room somewhere. I mean, look at him. His mother's hair (before he got his father's hairline)! The intense eyes! The classy suit! The face! Didn't we all want to marry him? Even though many of us knew him as a wee baby?
Prince William
LOOK AT THAT LITTLE MUFFIN OH MY GOD I WANT TO PINCH HIS ROYAL CHEEKS.
Prince William
And then he became a man who was prone to really fierce close-ups, the likes of which Tyra Banks would look at and see moderate potential to come on her show and take pictures while, like, dressed as her favorite baked goods, or whatever.
Prince William
Yowza.
Prince William
"Hi, ladies. Don't mind me. I'm just playing billiards, as I do, because I'm just a prince on the side. I'm a man full-time."
Prince William
"I'm also a scholar. I like to think, while you like to imagine that you are my thumb."
Prince William
"Occasionally I also step out onto the polo grounds, because there's nothing more English than a boy and his horse and a giant mallet."
Prince William
"I mean, really, how is it that I'm holding a massive golf putter while wearing a safari hat and waders, and I still look so blasted RUGGED?"
Prince William
"But, Harry, the physics of me is SO MUCH MORE than just Dad's polo hobby and my ability to wear suits. My sum is far greater than those parts. Because, you know what else I like?"
Prince William
"Rugby. It just LOOKS right, me holding a ball like I'm about to throw it someplace near the general vicinity of the area where a scrum might be.
"You know what else I love?"
Prince William
"Mud! It looks so good on me. Like the earth is actively getting down on one knee and asking me to be its conqueror.
"You know what else I love?"
Prince William
"Waving. I'm so jolly! And spectacularly be-suited! But mostly jolly.
"You know what else I love?"
Prince William
"Wet suits! And brooding!
"You know what ELSE I love?"
Prince William
"Maps! I LOVE directions! Ladies, I read them, I ask for them, I MAKE them, heck, when I'm King I can INVENT them!
"You know what ELSE else I love?"
Prince William
"Hats! Because you can't see that I got Dad's bald spot. Also it's my job to wear it, as a dedicated serviceman. Bit handy, that, eh?
"You know what else I love?"
Prince William
"Thinking about using pens! Sometimes I take HOURS planning how I'm going to hold it, and whether I'm going to do joined-up letters or just regular! Here, I am probably about to write a sonnet. It's just a guess, though. But it happens.
"You know what ELSE I love?"
Prince William
"Rain! It's like Mother Nature is writing me a thank-you note for having the kind of jaw that a rivulet of water can caress with madcap glory!
"You know what ELSE I love?"
Prince William
"Eddie Bauer Just kidding. It's painting.
"But you know what ELSE ELSE else I love?
Prince William
"POSTAGE STAMPS!
"And you know what else I love?"
Prince William
"Whittling! Look, I made a big novelty pencil!
"And you know what else else else ELSE I love?"
Prince William
"EYE EXAMS!"
Prince William
"Sigh. But will anyone ever SEE my rainbow of true colors, or will I just be the object of lust for ladies young and old, until such time as my hair is gone and Kate and I have sprogged up with five squalling little ones and I've saved the town from zombies and reignited the British Empire by colonizing the U.S. again and instituting the metric system?"
Yep. Sorry, Wills, but for today, you're our object. And it's nice to see how you've grown, and all, but we're all going to miss the hot young dude who graced our walls.