Some Random Dude
Who's this guy? I don't know if I spotted him at this Olympics. Obviously, I jest. I have always been mega-fond of Phelps -- and I'm happy that he pulled his life together -- and his body is A.MAZ.ING. Also now I want to go try cupping because I'm super easily persuaded to do things. I was unmoved when Gwyneth did it two hundred years ago, but now that Olympians are doing it, I clearly need to do it also, in part to keep myself in shape for my arduous regime of sitting here.
Michael Phelps and Caeleb Dressel of the USA
ARMS! I salute you, Olympic arms. I salute you so much.
Caeleb Dressel of the United States
I mean, the rest of Caeleb Dressel isn't too shabby, either.
Mack Horton of Australia
Mack Horton has great shoulders and also "Mack Horton" is a really great name. (One of my favorite things about the Olympics is seeing what people are named, because the Olympics brings so many names from so many different countries. I LOVE talking about names; I used to read my family's baby-naming book like a novel. I'm writing this while watching women's track and field, and this race has Narcisa Landazuri and Tianna Bartoletta and Rosangela Santos and Marie-Josee Ta Lou. ALL of those are great names, and I just happened to look up at the screen and see them all. Writers who are having issues naming their characters right now need to just watch 45 minutes of the Olympics and find inspiration.)
Dmitriy Balandin of Kazakhstan and Anton Chupkov of Russia
I also love the way that many various swimmers gently snuggled one another after a race. This Olympics has had so much HUGGING and tender head-cradling, and I am here for it.
Gregorio Paltrinieri and Gabriele Detti of Italy,
Just make out, you two! Er, I mean, congrats!!
Gabriele Detti of Italy
Those Italians are dreamy, in and out of the pool. Look at how CUTE Gabriele Detti is. He's like Disney-prince cute.
Joao Gomes of Brazil
Joao, your biceps are inspirational.
Kosuke Hagino of Japan
I will HAPPILY wave back to you, Kosuke Hagino. Fun fact: today is his birthday!
Adam Peaty of Great Britain
There's so much jovial, hot waving in this slideshow. Thumbs up to you, too, Adam Peaty.
Adam Peaty of Great Britain
"Wow, it's true. My shoulders DO feel great."
Aisen Chen and Yue Lin of China
FYI, it turns out that the divers of the Rio Olympics are REALLY CUT and also almost totally naked. The Chinese men totally endeared themselves to me when, after winning the gold (they are AMAZINGLY good), they treated NBC's cameras to thumbs up, finger guns, waves, AND blew kisses to us. We love you, too.
David Boudia and Steele Johnson of the USA
And speaking of names, STEELE JOHNSON is a name of great and never-ending perfection.
Ivan Garcia and German Sanchez of Mexico
Sometimes, when appreciating the abs of divers, you might forget to ALSO appreciate their lovely thighs.
Ivan Garcia and German Sanchez of Mexico
Ivan is chatting to someone in many, many photos from this event. It's hard to tell if he was complaining or just making friends.
Tom Daley and Daniel Goodfellow of Great Britain
These Speedos are BEYOND tiny. They're the tiniest little bathing suits I've ever seen! That's not a complaint -- OBVIOUSLY -- but merely an observation. They're barely a step above jock straps. Are the Brits wearing the SMALLEST of the small suits? How is their great British junk even remaining contained?
Jack Laugher and Chris Mears of Great Britain
I MEAN. REALLY. GREAT BRITAIN! Whatever happened to your storied British reserve?! THE QUEEN IS WATCHING THIS!
Yang Sun of China
Back to the swimming pool, where Yang Sun has great abs and ALSO has really good cheekbones. (I think a swim cap is very flattering to a person's cheekbones, which is why I plan to start wearing one out to bars.)
Masato Sakai of Japan
I appreciate how hot Masato Sakai manages to make even this lackadaisical stroll.
Rami Anis of the Refugee Olympic Team
Please read Rami's story in The Guardian. It's very moving. Additionally, I appreciate...everything he's got going on here.
Cameron McEvoy of Australia
This is his pre-race superhero pose.
Katsumi Nakamura of Japan
"Just absent-mindedly stretching. ENJOY."
Ben Proud of Great Britain
"Ben Proud" is another name that prompts many, many hacky jokes and puns, like, "I bet you've been proud of your excellent torso," etc etc. Thank you, I'll be here all week.
Ryan Lochte of the United States
This shot of Lochte was, I thought, amazing. He is literally horizontally suspended in air. I'm bummed that Ryan's last race didn't end in a medal -- he seemed so sad, and he's brought all of us such happiness. Now what is America's sweet sex idiot going to do with himself?
Townley Haas, Ryan Lochte and Conor Dwyer
Exactly how I feel about all of this.
Marcelo Chierighini of Brazil
Let us gather together in this holy place and salute Marcelo Chierighini's GLORIOUS SHOULDERS OH MY GOD.
James Guy of GB, and a lot of other guys too
MORE ABS! AND BACKS! All the muscled upper body parts!
Michael Phelps of the USA
Speaking of abs. Phelps is so tall, it's like he's got an eight-pack rather than a six-pack.
Phelps's Patriotic Feet
He also owns some very snazzy patriotic socks.
Kyle Chalmers of Australia
Don't worry. It's still there.
Kyle Chalmers of Australia
Some excellent arms on Kyle "Super Nintendo" Chalmers, too.
Yasuhiro Koseki of Japan
Looking at all the photos I downloaded for this post, it seems I might have a thing for swimmers' shoulders right now.
Meli Malani of Fiji
HELLO, FIJI.
Zetao Ning of Hong Kong
HELLO, HONG KONG.
Bruno Fratus of Brazil
HELLO AGAIN BRAZIL.
Florent Manadou of France
I remember Florent Manadou from 2012, because he was so hot then. I'm relieved to inform you that he is still hot.
Ryan Murphy
Congrats, good sir, on backstroking the hell out of things. God, between this and The People vs OJ Simpson, it's a GREAT year to be a Ryan Murphy.
Australia's Mitch Larkin
NEWSFLASH. You guys! How CUTE is Mitch Larkin in his glasses?!?
Anthony Ervin of the USA
Huge congrats to Anthony Ervin for winning gold at 35, which, as Rowdy and Tim really hammered home, is QUITE OLD for a swimmer. My theory is that older swimmers can do the 50 -- like Dara Torres! -- because once you've got one foot in the grave, you can either choose speed or stamina, but not both. It's like the swimming version of how I -- at older than Anthony Ervin, even! -- have been forced to choose between my ass and my face. (I picked "neither.")
Chad le Clos of South Africa
Thank you for your forearms, Chad. Also: if you hadn't keep looking over at Phelps during that race, you might have beaten him! (For what it's worth, given the hug they exchanged after said race, I don't think there is any bad blood between the two of them, but I DO think all of the shenanigans le Clos got up to as a way to needle Phelps just acted as a distraction for himself. Apparently, Papa le Clos was PISSED that Chad didn't win gold, and while I was cheering for Team USA, I will HAPPILY buy Chad a beer and talk to him about the whole thing.)
Chad le Clos and Joseph Schooling of Singapore
I just loved this shot. As ever, the Getty Photogs are killing this assignment.
Joseph Schooling of Singapore
Also: Joseph Schooling is totally cute. Did you see the photo he took with Phelps, just prior to the Beijing games? Schooling was just a kid. What a neat thing to have.
Cody Miller of the USA
I love Cody Miller. He won an individual bronze early in the week, and it was like THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO HIM! Which, it should be! But a lot of elite swimmers are a little bummed if they don't win gold -- which I also get! -- so it was extra refreshing to see his total unfettered joy at placing. (He later won gold with the relay, as well.)
Nathan Adrian of the USA
SPEAKING OF NEAT. Nathan Adrian is neat. And also nice. I've mentioned this before, but I interviewed him once at Fashion Week in September 2012 and he is SO HANDSOME in person, and was so, so, so SO nice to me. He might be the nicest person I've ever interviewed.
Nathan Adrian of the USA
YOU LIVE INSIDE MY OWN HEART, NATHAN ADRIAN.
Nathan Adrian, Ryan Murphy, Michael Phelps and Cody Miller of the USA
I LOVE RELAYS. And not just because there is so much shirtless hugging. Although also because of that.
Michael Phelps, Nathan Adrian, Cody Miller, Ryan Murphy
The next few photos are courtesy of Fug National Tony G, who was MUCH quicker with his screengrabbing skills than I was, and YES. We all need to see this photo. So much joy, such good abs.
Ryan Murphy, Nathan Adrian, Michael Phelps, Cody Miller
Yes. Okay. I'll just stay right here for a little bit.
Ryan Murphy, Nathan Adrian, Michael Phelps, Cody Miller
Phelps, having swum his last race, nestling into Nathan Adrian, is all of us. Who DOESN'T want to nestle into the crook of Nathan Adrian's neck at times of high emotion?
Nathan Adrian. Michel Phelps, Ryan Murphy, Cody Miller
INDEED.