Heidi Klum

Poor Heidi. Why so chilly in her IT BURNS MY GOD IT BURNS outfit? Well, let's examine the evidence.

Heidi Klum

First, she wandered on stage in flippers. As you do. I've heard they're the new Crocs. Just wait until Mario Batali wears them to make pizza, and Old Man Crankypants down the street is weeding his garden in these.

Heidi Klum

And then the supermodel in the spandex got doused by something. Presumably that is why she looked so chilly. I don't think spandex is a very warm fabric when it's wet.

Heidi Klum

Of course, it wasn't all flippers and sprinklers. She also wore ginormous turquoise pumps as she entered the stage on the arm of the host, Thomas Gottschalk, whom I like to think of as Surfer Jesus.

Heidi Klum

This photo is called, "Full-Body Spandex: Even Supermodels Should Proceed With Caution."

Heidi Klum

I think this is a shoe orgy. That one dude looks super intrigued by having all these women's legs extended around him. Surfer Jesus is like, "Man, I am on the wrong part of this couch, dude."

Heidi Klum

And then, of course, J.Lo showed up to be all, "Let us be serious, amigos. Practice safe sex, lovers, or else your vagina will turn inside out and look muy bien with flippers, and Cameron Diaz will be there." Sobering advice, Jennifer.

Wetten Fugs

So, I'm pretty sure I need to be watching the German show Wetten Dass. I mean, it's the show that brought us Karl Lagerfeld sizing up Salma Hayek's cleavage -- it is a marathon of crazy. And that's precisely the kind of distance running I can support. For instance, I have no idea why Heidi Klum is wearing a spandex dress that looks like a biology textbook diagram called, "STDs: Feel The Burn." But judging by what she DID in that dress -- and its matching tights -- I suspect I need to get some Rosetta Stone and start watching online. [Photos: WENN.com]