The 9 to 5 Boot

This boot.... buckles. It is basically a pant leg. Rihanna wants to make bootaloons a reality. She said of these, per the release, “Those boots are dangerous! If you’re trying to get back home to your bed, don’t wear those boots! You will get kidnapped in those boots, those boots are trouble.” What a marvelous selling point.

Rihanna

Here is a photo from Vogue UK of her wearing said boots, and hers apparently buckle ROUND HER WAIST. But like... it it one belt for both boots? How does this work? Are they basically just crotchless footie pajamas? I'm rather puzzled. And frightened. So, so frightened.

The Dancehall Cowgirl

I am not making up these names, by the way.

The Rih-vi

Shouldn't these be called... the Stuart Weitzman? Come on. I know Rihanna loves this style and was one of the first to wear them over and over and over again during The Year of the Nudist Sandal. This feels very borrowed.

The Sea Salts

Those DO seem like they'd be good body scrubbers.

Manolo and Rihanna

I'm sure we're meant to think they're listening to a serious presentation, but I've decided they're actually watching a Kardashians marathon and trying to figure out why Tyga is happening.

What the Fug: Rihanna's "Denim Desserts" for Manolo Blahnik

This collaboration is, simply put, bananas. The detailing is allegedly inspired by Rihanna's hand tattoos, and the prices START at $895, and top out at $3995. Yes, nearly four-thousand dollars for a pair of shoes bedazzled to look like someone's hand.