What the Fug: Welcome Back to Kardashatraz

Khloe and Kourtney

52238512 Celebrities attend The Angel Ball 2016 benefiting Gabrielle's Angel Foundation for Cancer Research in New York City, New York on November 21, 2016. FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876

So, let's recap: At a cancer charity event honoring their late father, Kourtney wore a dog-eaten old bridesmaid dress that may have been left out on a clothing line for twelve years, and Khloe dressed as a partial circulatory system injected with ice. Yep. Sounds right.

Kourtney

52238509 Celebrities attend The Angel Ball 2016 benefiting Gabrielle's Angel Foundation for Cancer Research in New York City, New York on November 21, 2016. FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876

Kourtney, I need to tell you something. The advertising was a lie. EVERYTHING, in fact, beats a great pair of L'Eggs.

Kris Jenner

52238519 Celebrities attend The Angel Ball 2016 benefiting Gabrielle's Angel Foundation for Cancer Research in New York City, New York on November 21, 2016. FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876

I can't. This looks like she's gotten tattoo sleeves, and asked someone to design her essence using a spirograph.

Khloe

52223885 The Kardashian family celebrate Kris Jenner's 61st birthday together in Los Angeles, California on November 5, 2016. While they were there, they filmed for their show 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'. The Kardashian family celebrate Kris Jenner's 61st birthday together in Los Angeles, California on November 5, 2016. While they were there, they filmed for their show 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'. Pictured: Khloe Kardashian FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876

I just wanted to show you Khloe's metallic quilted purse. News you can use. But beware: The next slide is not safe for work, if nipples are taboo for you there. Just skip it.

Khloe

52223892 The Kardashian family celebrate Kris Jenner's 61st birthday together in Los Angeles, California on November 5, 2016. While they were there, they filmed for their show 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'. The Kardashian family celebrate Kris Jenner's 61st birthday together in Los Angeles, California on November 5, 2016. While they were there, they filmed for their show 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'. Pictured: Khloe Kardashian FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876

SERIOUSLY, KHLOE. This family loves clay-colored body nylons.

Khloe

52222646 Celebrities making an appearance on 'Jimmy Kimmel Live!' in Hollywood, California on November 3, 2016. Celebrities making an appearance on 'Jimmy Kimmel Live!' in Hollywood, California on November 3, 2016. FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876

Nope. Sorry. Try again.

Khloe

Do you think she ACTIVATES her nipples before getting out of the car? They're always so present. Maybe they are bluetooth and can connect to the paparazzi's enabled cameras. (Also, I'm anti-aviator frames on actual reading glasses.)

Kylie

52223852 The Kardashian family celebrate Kris Jenner's 61st birthday together in Los Angeles, California on November 5, 2016. While they were there, they filmed for their show 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'. The Kardashian family celebrate Kris Jenner's 61st birthday together in Los Angeles, California on November 5, 2016. While they were there, they filmed for their show 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'. Pictured: Kylie Jenner FameFlynet, Inc - Beverly Hills, CA, USA - +1 (310) 505-9876

Nice of Kylie to dress up for her mother's birthday party. I suppose I'd be too tired to pick out a shirt, also, if I'd spent my time strapping on those pants.

Kylie

Dude. Those are Duff jeans. By which I mean, the kind of ill-advised pants Noted Denim Misuser Hilary Duff woud select.

Kendall

Kendall turned 21 by finally acknowledging her DNA is half-lizard queen.

Kendall

TEXTURED DECALS ARE NOT PANTS.

Kendall

You have to have a very specific body to wear that disco napkin. Enjoy it while it lasts, Kendall.

Kendall

It does weirdly warm my heart to see that she either switched into sneakers, or wore them in the first place. It's oddly practical for a person who is wearing... well, everything else she's wearing. And Hailey Baldwin's socks owe her an apology.