World Cup Thighlights: Round of 16

ENGLANNNNND

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Matthias Schrader/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9734607dg) England players celebrate after the round of 16 match between Colombia and England at the 2018 soccer World Cup in the Spartak Stadium, in Moscow, Russia, . England eliminates Colombia 4-3 on penalties after the game ends 1-1 Russia Soccer WCup Colombia England, Moscow, Russian Federation - 03 Jul 2018

I love a Happy Meat Pile.

Harry Kane, England

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Matthias Schrader/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9734607bw) England's Harry Kane tries to control the ball during the round of 16 match between Colombia and England at the 2018 soccer World Cup in the Spartak Stadium, in Moscow, Russia Russia Soccer WCup Colombia England, Moscow, Russian Federation - 03 Jul 2018

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Cristiano Ronaldo

Ronaldo, of course, painstakingly hiked up his shorts before taking his set piece and the Internet went crazy. Y'all, he busts those out ALL THE TIME. His thighs are probably going to be in the hall of fame just by themselves.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Michael Zemanek/BPI/REX/Shutterstock (9731576bm) Cristiano Ronaldo of Portugal takes a free kick that hits the wall Uruguay v Portugal , Round of 16, 2018 FIFA World Cup football match, Fisht Olympic Stadium, Sochi, Russia - 30 Jun 2018

They ARE picturesque, though. They're like a map of a ski slope, with all the different trails you can take to get to the bottom.

Lionel Messi

And as much of a permanent fixture Ronaldo's thighs are, so too is Messi's anguish. I almost didn't download one of these photos, but I mean, they are basically the only thing he did the entire time.

Olivier Giroud, France

Mandatory Credit: Photo by David Vincent/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9731453ci) France's Olivier Giroud celebrates after the round of 16 match between France and Argentina, at the 2018 soccer World Cup at the Kazan Arena in Kazan, Russia Russia Soccer WCup France Argentina, Kazan, Russian Federation - 30 Jun 2018

Somehow, I haven't watched a single France match. I assume that will be rectified soon.

Isco, Spain

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Matthias Schrader/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9732054cu) Spain's Isco comfort ]Koke during penalty shootout of the round of 16 match between Spain and Russia at the 2018 soccer World Cup at the Luzhniki Stadium in Moscow, Russia Russia Soccer WCup Spain Russia, Moscow, Russian Federation - 01 Jul 2018

Soccer players really, really do love turning their shorts into a codpiece.

France

"I am going to CUP THIS MOUNTAIN with my WHOLE BEING."

Albin Ekdal and Viktor Claesson, Sweden

EDITORIAL USE ONLY Mandatory Credit: Photo by TOLGA BOZOGLU/EPA-EFE/REX/Shutterstock (9734421ie) Albin Ekdal of Sweden and Viktor Claesson of Sweden Round of 16 Sweden vs Switzerland, St.Petersburg, Russian Federation - 03 Jul 2018 Albin Ekdal (L) of Sweden and his teammmate Viktor Claesson celebrate after the FIFA World Cup 2018 round of 16 soccer match between Sweden and Switzerland in St.Petersburg, Russia, 03 July 2018. Sweden won the match 1-0. (RESTRICTIONS APPLY: Editorial Use Only, not used in association with any commercial entity - Images must not be used in any form of alert service or push service of any kind including via mobile alert services, downloads to mobile devices or MMS messaging - Images must appear as still images and must not emulate match action video footage - No alteration is made to, and no text or image is superimposed over, any published image which: (a) intentionally obscures or removes a sponsor identification image; or (b) adds or overlays the commercial identification of any third party which is not officially associated with the FIFA World Cup)

"I just really love and respect you for all the wonderful things that make you who you are, you muffin."

Uruguay

"When I'm not playing soccer, I practice Human Planking."

Russia

"EVERYBODY GET THE GRASS STAINS! The Tide endorsements are BIG MONEY."

Artyom Dzyuba, Russia

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Antonio Calanni/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9732090ac) Russia's Artyom Dzyuba celebrates scoring his side's opening goal during the round of 16 match between Spain and Russia at the 2018 soccer World Cup at the Luzhniki Stadium in Moscow, Russia Russia Soccer WCup Spain Russia, Moscow, Russian Federation - 01 Jul 2018

He looks very intense in this shot, which is not a bad thing, but I also don't know if it quite captures the "Ooooh, okay, YEAH" reaction I had when I saw him play.

Angel Di Maria, Argentina

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Frank Augstein/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9731462ay) Argentina's Angel Di Maria celebrates after scoring his side's first goal during the round of 16 match between France and Argentina, at the 2018 soccer World Cup at the Kazan Arena in Kazan, Russia Russia Soccer WCup France Argentina, Kazan, Russian Federation - 30 Jun 2018

This is a MAJESTIC portrait of delight. Sadly it was short-lived.

Belgium vs Japan

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Hassan Ammar/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9733000v) Belgium goalkeeper Thibaut Courtois, left, consoles Japan's Yuya Osako at the end of the round of 16 match between Belgium and Japan at the 2018 soccer World Cup in the Rostov Arena, in Rostov-on-Don, Russia Russia Soccer WCup Belgium Japan, Rostov-on-Don, Russian Federation - 02 Jul 2018

I never get tired of the teams taking time to console each other. So often in other sports, particularly the ones that are prioritized here, the handshakes become perfunctory on the way off the field (or on the way to staying on it), and in soccer they actually really spend time with each other. Maybe that's partly because they've just run a marathon and everyone is too damn TIRED to hustle away.

Nacer Chadli (Bel) and Hiroki Sakai (Japan)

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Natacha Pisarenko/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9732930bv) Belgium's Nacer Chadli, left, comforts Japan's Hiroki Sakai at the end of the round of 16 match between Belgium and Japan at the 2018 soccer World Cup in the Rostov Arena, in Rostov-on-Don, Russia, . Belgium won 3-2 Russia Soccer WCup Belgium Japan, Rostov-on-Don, Russian Federation - 02 Jul 2018

It was a thrilling second half, but what heartbreak for Japan. This is just such a nice photo. ALSO, I forgot how cute Sakai is but couldn't find a good photo of him, AND apparently Japan left its locker room in spotless condition and with a thank-you note for organizers IN RUSSIAN.

Colombia vs England

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Alastair Grant/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9734616by) Colombia head coach Jose Pekerman, left, and England head coach Gareth Southgate, right, comfort Colombia's Mateus Uribe after the round of 16 match between Colombia and England at the 2018 soccer World Cup in the Spartak Stadium, in Moscow, Russia Russia Soccer WCup Colombia England, Moscow, Russian Federation - 03 Jul 2018

Sometimes the sportsmanship does include abs, here from Mateus Uribe. This is the Colombia AND England coach both consoling him, which is also awesome

Domagoj Vida of Croatia

WHEE!

Dejan Lovren of Croatia

"Yes. It's true. I'm real. You can touch me."

Croatia

Shiny, happy people holding hands.

Eric Dier of England

Sometimes the abs come out when you just really need to stop sweating into your own face.

Neymar, Brazil

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Kieran McManus/BPI/REX/Shutterstock (9732751ft) Neymar of Brazil celebrates at the end of the game Brazil v Mexico, Round of 16, 2018 FIFA World Cup football match, Samara Arena, Russia - 02 Jul 2018

"We're gonna win."

Dele Alli, England

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Dave Shopland/BPI/REX/Shutterstock (9730255ca) Dele Alli of England undergoes a fitness test at the end of the match England v Belgium, Group G, 2018 FIFA World Cup football match, Kaliningrad Stadium, Russia - 28 Jun 2018

"Not if I have anything to say about it. Which... I probably don't."

Uruguay vs Portugal

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Darko Vojinovic/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9731629bo) Uruguay's Cristian Rodriguez, left, and Diego Laxalt, right, challenge for the ball with Portugal's Ricardo Quaresma during the round of 16 match between Uruguay and Portugal at the 2018 soccer World Cup at the Fisht Stadium in Sochi, Russia Russia Soccer WCup Uruguay Portugal, Sochi, Russian Federation - 30 Jun 2018

"Red Rover, Red Rover, send Quaresma on over!!!"

Brazil vs Mexico

EDITORIAL USE ONLY Mandatory Credit: Photo by TATYANA ZENKOVICH/EPA-EFE/REX/Shutterstock (9732704fw) Casemiro and Hector Herrera Round of 16 Brazil vs Mexico, Samara, Russian Federation - 02 Jul 2018 Casemiro (L) of Brazil in action against Hector Herrera (R) of Mexico during the FIFA World Cup 2018 round of 16 soccer match between Brazil and Mexico in Samara, Russia, 02 July 2018. (RESTRICTIONS APPLY: Editorial Use Only, not used in association with any commercial entity - Images must not be used in any form of alert service or push service of any kind including via mobile alert services, downloads to mobile devices or MMS messaging - Images must appear as still images and must not emulate match action video footage - No alteration is made to, and no text or image is superimposed over, any published image which: (a) intentionally obscures or removes a sponsor identification image; or (b) adds or overlays the commercial identification of any third party which is not officially associated with the FIFA World Cup)

"MY HEAD IS NOT THE BALL EVEN THOUGH IT IS VAGUELY BALL-SHAPED."

Simon Kjaer of Denmark

Hello, thighs.

Andres Iniesta, Spain

EDITORIAL USE ONLY Mandatory Credit: Photo by SERGEI CHIRIKOV/EPA-EFE/REX/Shutterstock (9732024mo) Andres Iniesta of Spain during the FIFA World Cup 2018 round of 16 soccer match between Spain and Russia in Moscow, Russia, 01 July 2018. (RESTRICTIONS APPLY: Editorial Use Only, not used in association with any commercial entity - Images must not be used in any form of alert service or push service of any kind including via mobile alert services, downloads to mobile devices or MMS messaging - Images must appear as still images and must not emulate match action video footage - No alteration is made to, and no text or image is superimposed over, any published image which: (a) intentionally obscures or removes a sponsor identification image; or (b) adds or overlays the commercial identification of any third party which is not officially associated with the FIFA World Cup) Round of 16 Spain vs Russia, Moscow, Russian Federation - 01 Jul 2018

"I really should have been an accountant."

Croatia goalkeeper Danijel Subasic

I saw a LOT of foot saves in this batch of games. This might be commonplace for people who watch soccer every day, but it surprised me a bit. A goalie's job IS THE WORST.

Denmark goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel

This dude was awesome. He's Denmark's hot keeper, and he saved a PK right at the end of the game to keep it tied. He and the Croatian keeper were really on their games.

Olivier Giroud, France

"OH GOD MY EPIDERMIS I CANNOT GO ON."

Belgium vs Japan

EDITORIAL USE ONLY Mandatory Credit: Photo by ROMAN PILIPEY/EPA-EFE/REX/Shutterstock (9732905dp) Romelu Lukaku of Belgium, Goalkeeper Eiji Kawashima of Japan and Maya Yoshida of Japan Round of 16 Belgium vs Japan, Rostov-On-Don, Russian Federation - 02 Jul 2018 Romelu Lukaku of Belgium (L) and Maya Yoshida of Japan in action during the FIFA World Cup 2018 round of 16 soccer match between Belgium and Japan in Rostov-On-Don, Russia, 02 July 2018. (RESTRICTIONS APPLY: Editorial Use Only, not used in association with any commercial entity - Images must not be used in any form of alert service or push service of any kind including via mobile alert services, downloads to mobile devices or MMS messaging - Images must appear as still images and must not emulate match action video footage - No alteration is made to, and no text or image is superimposed over, any published image which: (a) intentionally obscures or removes a sponsor identification image; or (b) adds or overlays the commercial identification of any third party which is not officially associated with the FIFA World Cup)

"Okay, okay, okay, you pull left and I'll pull right. On three."

Yann Sommer, Switzerland

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Celso Bayo/ISI/REX/Shutterstock (9734724ag) Yann Sommer Sweden v Switzerland, Round of 16, 2018 FIFA World Cup football match, Saint Petersburg Stadium, Russia - 03 Jul 2018 Saint Petersburg, RUSSIA - Tuesday, July 3, 2018: Sweden beat Switzerland 1-0 at Saint Petersburg Stadium.

It is with great regret that I have discovered him only after his team has been eliminated.

Luis Suarez, Uruguay

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Francisco Seco/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9731613ah) Uruguay's Luis Suarez is helped after a foul during the round of 16 match between Uruguay and Portugal at the 2018 soccer World Cup at the Fisht Stadium in Sochi, Russia Russia Soccer WCup Uruguay Portugal, Sochi, Russian Federation - 30 Jun 2018

"MY KNEES HAVE BEEN BENT!!! OH THE PAIN!"

Japan's Eiji Kawashima

EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NO ADVERTISING OR COMMERCIAL USE. Mandatory Credit: Photo by Kommersant Photo Agency/REX/Shutterstock (9733047v) Japan's goalkeeper Eiji Kawashima Belgium v Japan, Round of 16, 2018 FIFA World Cup football match, Rostov Arena, Rostov-on-Don, Russia - 02 Jul 2018

This is a tremendous shot. That his entire face, and emotion, is framed by the goal net... so good.

Andreas Cornelius of Denmark

I am also so sad we won't get Danish Jesse Plemons anymore.

Croatia

This full-body bro hug is the best.

Mateo Kovacic of Croatia

"MY SPLEEN HAS FALLEN OUT."

Thomas Vermaelen of Belgium

This is the most resplendent shiner. And, still super good-looking.

Yuto Nagatomo of Japan

This is also incredible. It almost looks like he's sucking the water INTO his mouth.

Denmark vs Croatia

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Dmitri Lovetsky/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9732236z) Denmark's Yussuf Yurary Poulsen, left, Denmark's Henrik Dalsgaard, right, Croatia's Ante Rebic challenge for the ball during the round of 16 match between Croatia and Denmark at the 2018 soccer World Cup in the Nizhny Novgorod Stadium, in Nizhny Novgorod, Russia Russia Soccer WCup Croatia Denmark, Nizhny Novgorod, Russian Federation - 01 Jul 2018

"I can go low AND high ALL AT ONCE."

Nacho of Spain

I shall miss you, Nacho, and your lovely knees.

Sweden goalkeeper Robin Olsen

"Guess what ELSE I can do lying down? Huh? HUUUUH?!?!?"

Brazil

EDITORIAL USE ONLY Mandatory Credit: Photo by TATYANA ZENKOVICH/EPA-EFE/REX/Shutterstock (9732704jy) Neymar and Philippe Coutinho Round of 16 Brazil vs Mexico, Samara, Russian Federation - 02 Jul 2018 Neymar (bottom) of Brazil reacts next to his teammate Philippe Coutinho (R) during the FIFA World Cup 2018 round of 16 soccer match between Brazil and Mexico in Samara, Russia, 02 July 2018. (RESTRICTIONS APPLY: Editorial Use Only, not used in association with any commercial entity - Images must not be used in any form of alert service or push service of any kind including via mobile alert services, downloads to mobile devices or MMS messaging - Images must appear as still images and must not emulate match action video footage - No alteration is made to, and no text or image is superimposed over, any published image which: (a) intentionally obscures or removes a sponsor identification image; or (b) adds or overlays the commercial identification of any third party which is not officially associated with the FIFA World Cup)

"His intestines are clearly outside his body and NO YELLOW CARD??"

England

Gosh, how did we get back to this?

Kasper Schmeichel, Denmark

"Who's a good reffy boy, eh? WHO'S A GOOD REFFY? It's YOU!"

Neymar

"WHERE HAVE YOU HIDDEN YOUR HEAD?"

Granit Xhaka, Johan Djourou; Switzerland

EDITORIAL USE ONLY Mandatory Credit: Photo by LAURENT GILLIERON/EPA-EFE/REX/Shutterstock (9734507aq) Switzerland's midfielder Granit Xhaka (L) and Switzerland's defender Johan Djourou (R) react after the FIFA World Cup 2018 round of 16 soccer match between Sweden and Switzerland in St.Petersburg, Russia, 03 July 2018. (RESTRICTIONS APPLY: Editorial Use Only, not used in association with any commercial entity - Images must not be used in any form of alert service or push service of any kind including via mobile alert services, downloads to mobile devices or MMS messaging - Images must appear as still images and must not emulate match action video footage - No alteration is made to, and no text or image is superimposed over, any published image which: (a) intentionally obscures or removes a sponsor identification image; or (b) adds or overlays the commercial identification of any third party which is not officially associated with the FIFA World Cup) Round of 16 Sweden vs Switzerland, St. Petersburg Saint Petersbourg, Russian Federation - 03 Jul 2018

Sad abs are at least still abs.

Sweden

"MY TURN! It's my turn to be first out of the man cannon!"

Radamel Falcao, Colombia; Kieran Trippier, England

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Kieran McManus/BPI/REX/Shutterstock (9734593ai) Radamel Falcao Garcia of Columbia and Kieran Trippier of England clash Colombia v England, Round of 16, 2018 FIFA World Cup football match, Spartak Stadium, Moscow, Russia - 03 Jul 2018

I love how this looks like Falcao is taunting him as hard as he can and Kieran is just like, "That's what you're gonna go with? Okay then."

Colombia vs England

EDITORIAL USE ONLY Mandatory Credit: Photo by FELIPE TRUEBA/EPA-EFE/REX/Shutterstock (9734601ge) Harry Kane of England and Davinson Sanchez of Colombia Round of 16 Colombia vs England, Moscow, Russian Federation - 03 Jul 2018 Harry Kane (R) of England and Davinson Sanchez of Colombia in action during the FIFA World Cup 2018 round of 16 soccer match between Colombia and England in Moscow, Russia, 03 July 2018. (RESTRICTIONS APPLY: Editorial Use Only, not used in association with any commercial entity - Images must not be used in any form of alert service or push service of any kind including via mobile alert services, downloads to mobile devices or MMS messaging - Images must appear as still images and must not emulate match action video footage - No alteration is made to, and no text or image is superimposed over, any published image which: (a) intentionally obscures or removes a sponsor identification image; or (b) adds or overlays the commercial identification of any third party which is not officially associated with the FIFA World Cup)

Look, this is unfortunate, Harry, but you shouldn't be having sex during the World Cup ANYWAY so you don't really need those.

James Rodriguez, Colombia

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Alastair Grant/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9734616ak) Colombia's James Rodriguez, who is injured, attends to watch the round of 16 match between Colombia and England at the 2018 soccer World Cup in the Spartak Stadium, in Moscow, Russia Russia Soccer WCup Colombia England, Moscow, Russian Federation - 03 Jul 2018

James was injured and didn't play, and they kept cutting to him watching and looking REALLY STRESSED OUT. Until he was happy. And then stressed out again. And then sad. Sports, man. It's a roller-coaster.

Colombia v England, Round of 16, 2018 FIFA World Cup football match, Spartak Stadium, Moscow, Russia - 03 Jul 2018

Editorial Use Only Mandatory Credit: Photo by Eddie Keogh for The FA/REX/Shutterstock (9734573cq) Gareth Southgate manager of England celebrates after the match. Colombia v England, Round of 16, 2018 FIFA World Cup football match, Spartak Stadium, Moscow, Russia - 03 Jul 2018

Gareth was playing for England in 1998 at the World Cup, so he knows all too well how much it BURNS OH GOD IT BURNS to lose in another shootout. REDEPTION IS SWEET, especially in a nice suit.

Radamel Falcao

"It's okay. Do not be despondent. Because when all is said and done, I will still have my looks."

Japan vs Belgium

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Hassan Ammar/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9732914bd) Japan's Gaku Shibasaki, right, is shown with a yellow card by referee Malang Diedhiou during the round of 16 match between Belgium and Japan at the 2018 soccer World Cup in the Rostov Arena, in Rostov-on-Don, Russia Russia Soccer WCup Belgium Japan, Rostov-on-Don, Russian Federation - 02 Jul 2018

"AAAAARGH HE PERSONALLY REACHED IN AND REMOVED MY PANCRAS!!!!!"

Sweden v Switzerland

Look at that line of demarcation on his knee. That is a prime meridian right there.

EDITORIAL USE ONLY EDITORIAL USE ONLY Mandatory Credit: Photo by FRANCK ROBICHON/EPA-EFE/REX/Shutterstock (9732208en) Dejan Lovren of Croatia, Yussuf Poulsen of Denmark and Simon Kjaer of Denmark Round of 16 Croatia vs Denmark, Nizhny Novgorod, Russian Federation - 01 Jul 2018 Dejan Lovren of Croatia (C) Yussuf Poulsen of Denmark (L) and Simon Kjaer of Denmark jump for the ball during the FIFA World Cup 2018 round of 16 soccer match between Croatia and Denmark in Nizhny Novgorod, Russia, 01 July 2018. (RESTRICTIONS APPLY: Editorial Use Only, not used in association with any commercial entity - Images must not be used in any form of alert service or push service of any kind including via mobile alert services, downloads to mobile devices or MMS messaging - Images must appear as still images and must not emulate match action video footage - No alteration is made to, and no text or image is superimposed over, any published image which: (a) intentionally obscures or removes a sponsor identification image; or (b) adds or overlays the commercial identification of any third party which is not officially associated with the FIFA World Cup)

I present to you the cover of my soccer romance, A Tangle of Thighs.

Harry Kane

I love Harry Kane. There is something really reassuring about him. He celebrates his goals, but not to excess; he seems super focused and like he sets a smart tone. Please don't let him turn out to be another asshat athlete.