Sometimes I Run, Sometimes I Hide....
Sometimes I look all thoughtful like a wise author or someone who studies important things like trees or sea anemones.
Sometimes I Think About My Cleavage
Sometimes I look REALLY GOOD, y'all, and that's when I try to hold still even if LA Reid is photobombing me.
Sometimes I Worry About My Shoes
Sometimes I just look down at my shoes and think about them instead of the person who is wailing some boring Alicia Keys song in my face and then I start thinking about that dumb credit card commercial where the dude is all sad because his girlfriend told him he was boring and he decided not to be boring and so he went to an Alicia Keys concert like when has Alicia Keys ever been anything but sort of run of the mill and also boring? And by the time I am done thinking about that commercial I am ready for lunch.
Sometimes I Take Notes
Sometimes I write myself little notes and they say things like, "I hate this person" and "don't forget to buy cheese" and "remind Mom to come up with some new ideas why I don't want to marry Jason T. anymore"
Sometimes I Yikes
Remind me not to make that face again, y'all.
SOMETIMES AMAZING
OMG OR THIS ONE WTFOMGBBQ. Y'all, in my defense, this happened when this wackjob yahoo brought me flowers and basically acted like a stalker and the show KIND OF played it for laughs but also kind of played it like he might ACTUALLY be my stalker and either way I'm glad my face didn't freeze like this.
Sometimes I Wear Glasses
I like to think these glasses make me look like a smart lady professor or a librarian, either of which I could be playing on this season of The X-Files because NO ONE HAS BRIEFED ME. That's how they say it, right?
The Truth Is Out There
I still haven't even met Mulder yet, y'all. WHAT is HAPPENING on this season of The X-Files? I know this show is all confusing and shit but seriously when does all the singing stop?
Sometimes I Clap Daintily
Anyway, because I'm bored, I like to try out different ways to clap. This is my real dainty clap like a lady clapping at a church fashion show.
Sometimes I Golf Clap
This is how I would clap if I ever went to a golf game. Match? Golf...thing. Golf. Golf is a weird word, y'all.
Sometimes I Clap All Weird
Sometimes I close my eyes and clap RIGHT IN SIMON'S FACE like I'm a flamenco dancer who hates him.
Sometimes I Forget I Used to be a Great Dancer
But I can't really dance anymore because of that time I blew out my knee and then went all crazy and didn't talk to you for like two years because it was too mean and also I didn't do any knee rehab and now all the dancing I can really do involves moving my arms around, which is real sad, you guys. I was a really, really good dancer.
Sometimes I Clap Adorably
And sometimes I clap WAY over my head, because it's actually really cute, y'all. Come on. You still think I am actually kind of secretly adorable.
Sometimes I Wonder If I Need More Lipstick
Sometimes when people are singing something boring like something about wind and wings and whatever, I wonder if I forgot to put on my lipstick.
Sometimes I Pretend to Do My Own Makeup
Oh, I guess I didn't.
Sometimes I Look Plotty Like Victoria Grayson
But, seriously, you guys. What are some of these people doing? Sometimes I can't even disguise what I am thinking, which is probably why I've lost over $25,000 in my lifetime at poker games.
Sometimes I Discreetly Plug My Ear
Yeah, I had to stick my finger in my ear once because SHUT UP PEOPLE WITH THE SINGING AND THE CRYING AND THE SINGING.
Sometimes I Look Doubtful
Sometimes I just think people are IDIOTS, y'all.
Sometimes I Just Can't Be Bothered
Sometimes I don't even want to look at them.
Sometimes I Just Can't Take It
Sometimes I would rather just look at my own pink-mesh-encased cleavage than deal with one more minute of these people.
Sometimes I Hate Everyone
Whatever was happening here I am pretty sure from the look on my face that IT WAS DUMB.
Sometimes I Can't Stand People
Y'all, DO NOT tell me you've never made this face OR WANTED TO at your office because I KNOW YOU HAVE.
Sometimes I Think About Cheetos
Don't y'all ever just zone out at work sometimes?
Sometimes My Hair Looks Really Good
Okay. Honestly, y'all. Do you think LA Reid is looking at my boobs? That's okay if he is. I just want to know.
Sometimes I Close My Eyes and Wear a Blazer
I don't know.
Sometimes I Want You to Check Out My Dental Work
I almost forgot, y'all! I got new back veneers. Do you like them? Jamie keeps saying she thinks I look like Ross Geller, but I don't even LIKE dinosaurs so I don't know what she's talking about. She said the same thing that time I feel asleep in the tanning bed. Sometimes I think there's something wrong with Jamie Lynn.
Sometimes...I am never making this face again
Remember K-Fed? I just did. ZING. No, I remember him three times a week when he picks up the kids and also whenever he shows up on reruns of Celebrity Fit Challenge which I have set to auto-record on my TiVo.
Sometimes I Try to Eat My Mic
Demi bet me $30 I couldn't get that thing in my mouth. Amateur.
Sometimes I Cry
But, honestly, y'all, sometimes I am all moved and stuff by things people say about hardship or whatever. I have to PAUSE like it tells me to on the screen down there.
Sometimes I Acknowledge Demi
I'm just pretending to laugh here at whatever thing Demi is telling me. She talks and talks and talks and talks and talks about like FEELINGS and THINGS and CAREERS and RELATIONSHIPS and PEOPLE and OPPORTUNITIES and BEING A ROLE MODEL and TOP SHOP and SNORE. She's so smart and cute and YOUNG that it just makes me real mad and then I remember that at least I never had to make out with Bieber.
Sometimes I Am SHOCKED
Sometimes I am not moved by things people say but I'm actually REALLY ANNOYED by them because people are crazy and crazy things come out of their crazy mouths. Have some respect for these extensions, y'all. It took eight hours to get them in.
Sometimes I Make This Face
I think I had to pee here.
I am just keeping it real, y'all. This is a letter of truth, not a letter of LIES.
Sometimes I Think I've Found My Next Husband
A hot person was singing this one. I don't know about you but I like to marry people I meet at work. Or in Vegas. Or at work IN Vegas.
Sometimes I Blink
Sometimes don't you just want to close your eyes at work and blink for a really long time and take a little nap while you're blinking? I think I'm going to do that right now.