Goon: Last of the Enforcers
Jay Baruchel directs Seannnn William Scottttt in Goon: Last of the Enforcers, aka Canadian Pie, aka Liev Schrieber Has Alimony to Pay. Not only is it Part 2, but Liev and Allison Pill did the first one also. This looks like the kind of movie high-schoolers watch once they've purloined a few six packs and perhaps a joint. They won't know how to handle either one.
The Limehouse Golem
"So, I've got this movie about Jack the Ripper..." "Imma stop you right there. Jack the Ripper is straight played." "Is it? Because it's so..." "Played." "... scary-sounding, still, and..." "PLAYED. "Okay, then I guess... we'll call him... something else. Mark the Slicer." "No. It needs to be artsy. It needs to sound like some deep mythology shit mixed with a microbrewery." "Got it. I know just what to do."
The Wilde Wedding
John Malkovich and Glenn Close play a divorced couple who still live in their Iowa farm, building corn mazes and ordering any grey cardigan they can find that costs more than $150. Patrick Stewart lives at a resort and sells wigs fashioned after Richard Simmons. They meet on a dating app, Mildr, and have an orgiastic three-way coupling that results in at least one oxblood sweater being ordered by accident.
American Made
Tom Cruise stars in the movie that dares to ask the question, "Shit, how can we stick a chick on here real fast?"
mother!
Mother -- sorry, Mother! -- no wait, sorry, mother! -- had struggled as much with its branding as with its reviews. This artistic, striking poster appears to imply that a robot owl will come between them.
mother!!!!
Whereas this one would appear to glorify the fact that Jennifer Lawrence (presumably) gets the tar beaten out of her.
mother!!!!!!!!
And this one is extremely subtle in every way.
father?
Whereas this one just gets rid of the mother in mother!!!!!!!!!! entirely.
Kingsman: The Golden Circle
In a world... where men are so disappointing sometimes... there is one who decides to just remake all the rest of them in his image. Colin Firth stars as The Man Who Would Be All Men. And women are chill with it because that sounds pretty okay actually.
This movie is obviously FULL of rich, carefully imagined female characters.
Home Again
Reese Witherspoon sits on a toilet and then realizes she forgot to bring in her copy of More magazine.
Flatliners
When you summon Death, it writes back in Helvetica.
Flatliners
Looking for a new career? Visit Mordor.com. Satisfaction merely suggested.
Literally Right Before Aaron
This movie has it all: A script that doesn't understand the difference between "banter" and "being an asshole": a "nice guy" whom we're supposed to think is a hero because he's sad, but, yes, he's actually an asshole; people who correctly refer to him as an asshole, but we are not supposed to side with them; a dude who gets invited to the wedding of the ex girlfriend he's not over to the guy she dated after him, and absolutely accepts; and Peter Gallagher.
Lucky
Oh man. That tagline at the top is pretty on-the-nose given that Harry Dean Stanton recently died. Also, this is exactly how I imagined Harry Dean Stanton living for real -- boxers, straw hat, a prairie, deciding whether to water a cactus or just pee on it -- so you could have told me this was a documentary. RIP, HDS. That you could be so kind on Twin Peaks and so TERRIBLY CREEPY in Big Love is a testatment to your talent.
American Assassin
This is all people that look kind of like other people -- Adam Brody-ish, Timothy Olyphant-esque -- and then Michael Keaton.
Wetlands
A gangster returns to face the roller-coaster that ruined his favorite pants.
Battle of the Sexes
In which a movie about a woman's historic accomplishment in the face of a suffocating brick of testosterone is reduced to a photo of her giggling passively at said brick of testosterone.
The Tiger Hunter
A man who believes he paints murals in airports is startled to learn he has never actually left his bedroom.
Trophy
No jokes. That's hugely arresting.
True to the Game
I assume this is a 1982 paperback crime thriller whose cover survived the design process completely intact.
Vengeance: A Love Story
Nicolas Cage stars in a cheap knockoff of a Bruce Willis Movie that is itself a cheap knockoff of a Nicolas Cage movie.
Victoria and Abdul
In which Judi Dench spun her wheel and landed on, "Curmudgeonly monarch in period piece confronts the object of her oppression... WITH A SMILE!"
Woodshock
Kirsten Dunst trips balls for 90 minutes.
Rebel In The Rye
In which a young George McFly, having secured his future with Lorraine, totally jacks with his future by turning in a novel called Calvin Klein Was a Matchmaking Alien.
Take two: A young Benedict Cumberbatch is taught by a lecherous professor what the "D" in "PhD" stands for.
Take three: TICKLE TICKLE!