Dear Dictator
If you're thinking the joke will be that this is a heartwarming dictator comedy... THAT'S NOT A JOKE. Someone ACTUALLY made A HEARTWARMING DICTATOR COMEDY. AND MICHAEL CAINE AGREED TO APPEAR IN IT. He and Morgan Freeman really will do ANY job. Let's go to Wikipedia: "a sixteen-year-old American girl becomes pen pals with Anton Vincent, a notorious island nation dictator. When Anton is deposed by his own people, who finally rise up against centuries-long violent European imperialist rule, he unexpectedly seeks refuge in Tatiana’s suburban garage. There, he develops a grandfatherly relationship with the teen and her struggling single mom Darlene (Katie Holmes) who is being hit on by her boss. As prospects for taking back his country dim, Anton shifts his focus to Tatiana’s high school life, making her a rebel-in-training and teaching her to rule her school like delivering payback to the popular girls that pick on her. Ultimately his plans go too far, requiring Tatiana to rely on her own instincts, skills, and newfound confidence in order to overthrow Anton." MICHAEL. SIT DOWN. Also, Tagline, he's not an adorable rebel. HE'S AN ABUSIVE DICTATOR. OH MY GOD.
Love After Love
I assume this is a movie in which Andie MacDowell walks the same street in winter over and over and over again until she starts hallucinating.
Love, Simon
I get why they changed the name -- Simon vs. The Homo-Sapiens Agenda is a mouthful for a movie -- but I've heard the book was great, and that the movie is lovely, and the title doesn't reallly do anything to sell it. Like, this could be an orgy movie, based on this.
Midnight Sun
This is a movie about how Bella Thorne will die if she's exposed to sun, so please explain to me why this is art-directed to look like Midnight During A White Night, And Possibly Also The Aurora Borealis.
Pacific Rim: Uprising
Did we NEED Transformers: Light Sabres?
Red Sparrow
This movie had so many different posters, because clearly they had no idea how to sell it. This one looks like Rebecca De Mornay Rediscovers Serial Killing
Red Sparrow
And this looks like Young Ellen Barkin Is A Spy. Either of those movies would have been better than what we got.
Souvenier
Okay, this movie is right up our alley: Isabelle Huppert plays a woman who lost Eurovision the year ABBA won, faded into obscurity, then took a job at a pate factory. She meets a hot young dude, and they bang, and he convinces her to RE-COMPETE IN EUROVISION. The poster is like a weird Barbie Zombie movie, but I am totally going to look up this one.
Submission
The story of one man forced to contend with the wig someone glued to his skull.
The Female Brain
If you thought this might be a mash-up of Inside Out and that old 90s comedy Herman's Head... you were wrong. It's Whitney Cummings as a brilliant neuroscientist. And starring Blake Griffin, NOT as himself. Yes, the NBA's Blake Griffin, who is kind of like a large caveman. Check, please.
Thoroughbreds
This poster cracks me up. Three FUNNYs, two WICKEDs, and two HEATHERS references.
Thoroughbreds
We also need to discuss the words that are in quotes. Is this just a incorrect way of communicating that the whole THING is a quote? Or are the only direct quotes TRULY the words that are inside the marks? Because if that's the case, then the top review could have been "Heathers Meets A Movie I Really Really Hated Called American Psycho" and the bottom one could be, "Wickedly Funny is not a phrase I would use to describe this, and I wish it had been superbly ANYTHING, like, say, unpredictable."
Paul, Apostle of Christ
When Beads Collide. Also can we please admire the clumsiness of the tagline? "Where Sin Abounds... Grace Abounds More." Have you ever played Wise & Otherwise? It's one of those games where you're supposed to invent the ending to a phrase hopefully trick the guesser into thinking yours is the REAL ending; this feels like something someone found on an old score sheet for that game.
Birthmarked
Birthmarked is the story of that time Matthew Goode got really tired of us yelling at the TV for him to JUST MAKE OUT WITH PEOPLE ALREADY.
The Boy Downstairs
This is billed as a rom-com about a girl whose ex becomes her neighbor, but it LOOKS like an indie nightmare in which a woman gets trapped in the library with every man she's ever dumped.
Entanglement
Then there was that time Thomas Middleditch decided to star in the movie version of Weezer's Sweater Song.
Final Portrait
This poster does not advertise that Stanley Tucci directed this film (it's supposed to be very good). It also makes this look like Armie Hammer is a love droid designed by a mad scientist (Geoffrey Rush) to gaze upon him for purposes of making a lover jealous.
Finding Your Feet
Is this: a) a rom-com about Imelda Staunton rediscovering life, or b) a horror film about Celia Imrie and Timothy Spall luring their lovely neighbor into their basement and then slowly cutting off her limbs?
Gringo
David Oyelowo seems as confused by this cacophanous poster as I am.
Half Magic
Does Half Magic refer to: a) the retouching done on Heather's face; b) whatever they did to incite Stephanie Beatriz to make that facial expression; c) metamorphosing Angela Kinsey into someone else; d) three women who discover they can cast spells on their office. The answer is: everything except d. From what I can tell there is no actual sorcery in the film itself, and it's instead about three women who realize that all their frustrations about male dominance are really because they haven't yet learned to love themselves. NO, REALLY. And Heather Graham WROTE IT. HARD PASS.