Anne Hathaway: Exhibit A
The prosecution opens by noting its displeasure with the contours of all the hoo-ha and rosettes on Anne's sides, which combined with the tightness and slick redness give off the air that she has won Second Place in the Miss 'Inspired By Britney's Oops I Did It Again Video' pageant. The defense whatevers that it's form-fitting and she looks pleasant and it was cute when she twirled around on it on the red carpet. The prosecution then calls into question the back view...
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit A
The prosecution wonders if Anne had to wear a buttock purse so that she had a place to keep her functioning brain, so that she could just pop it out long enough to get through the telecast and then put it back in without any lingering memory of having participated. The defense mumbles something about hot-air balloons being so in right now, and then tries to draw attention to Anne's flattering hair color. The prosection is not amused, and throws down yet another angle...
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit A
Triumphantly, the prosecution concludes that it was unfair of anyone to allow Anne to wear a giant ass bag, when she was about to be saddled with another ass bag once she stepped on stage. The defense is all, "PREACH."
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit B
The prosecution suggests that this couture Givenchy would be a lot more palatable if Hathaway didn't ALREADY seem to be threatening the heavens with retribution for making her do this. The defense objects that by this point in the telecast, Hathaway did not appear to have lost her mind, and so her dress should be judged as such -- and further, the defense applauds her for being able to lift her arms in the air without her strapless bodice making a run for the border.
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit B
The prosecution says, "NOW do you still think she's not losing her mind?" The defense holds firm, noting that her mental state has nothing to do with her outfits, and concludes that she is simply hopped up on adrenalin, and possibly a bracing shot of bourbon.
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit C
The prosecution appreciates the attempt at hot menswear, but objects that while ostensibly this was an attempt at doing something stylistically funky, it was actually just a weak excuse to have James Franco come out in drag. The defense points out that it's not HER fault James Franco's only joke all night was wearing a hot-pink satin dress with gloves and a platinum wig. The prosecution bellows that it's incumbent upon James, in that getup, to perform "Material Girl." The defense acknowledges that failure, then swings back on-topic by wondering if it's possible to hate any outfit that includes custom-made Brian Atwood glitter pumps.
The prosecution suggests that a tux worn for a terrible musical number that brought new meaning to the phrase "Les Miserables" is no tux with which it ever wants to be associated. The defense snarks that it's a good thing the prosecution wasn't invited, and notes that at least Anne wasn't wearing it backward.
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit D
The prosecution apologizes for the poor quality of the cell-phone photo of Anne's custom-made Vivienne Westwood, and notes that it looks a bit like a fancy napkin arrangement on a particularly robust tablecloth. The defense applauds Anne for having preserved her sanity to this point, and successfully keeping her head up despite the fact that at least half of the jokes written for her and Franco totally bombed. The prosecution points out that its entire team of lawyers kept expecting a row of sparklers to pop out of Anne's updo and shoot fire. The defense takes a moment, and then decides it wants to offer up that same argument... but as a compliment.
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit E
The defense jumps in and proclaims this the best dress of the night, and suggests the prosecution's awful photography is an attempt at sabotage. Miffed, the prosecution swears that no living, breathing person would try to sabotage Hathaway after she was forced to be perkier than 1990s Katie Couric to combat Franco's case of the blahs. The defense, appeased, demands that the prosecution lay out its case; the prosecutors huddle and then someone coughs that maybe she could have worn the necklace that didn't particularly belong with the previous dress. The defense laughs and laughs, and the judge doesn't even bother holding it in contempt because she is laughing too.
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit E
The prosecution suddenly jumps up and suggests that Anne demeaned the dress by using it for a Luna Bar plug. The defense notes that she was probably just trying to encourage everyone to eat their brain food, with the increasingly numb-sounding James Franco as a living, breathing example of what happens when you don't. Even the prosecution is all, "Yeah, well played. The producers owe Anne one for this."
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit E
And the defense is all, "She DID sort of pay them back with this facial expression," and the prosecution concurs and suggests that her face here represents all of America. Both sides high-five and wonder why the producers aren't the ones on trial here.
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit F
The defense leaps up to note that this Oscar de la Renta was featured in a certain slideshow speculating about what dresses might show up on the red carpet. The prosecution is more interested in the fact that Anne Hathaway has at this point been reduced to looking at James Franco as if he is an especially silly pet.
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit F
The defense stands up and applauds Anne doing exactly what you know each and every one of us would have done in a dress with that much fringe on it -- that being, the Twist. The prosecution sadly wonders if this is the first sign of an official Oscar night mental break, because Anne has realized her career has suffered a "bringing Snow White to the Oscars"-sized dent and so she's just going to roll with the mess. The defense asks them to please keep it on topic about the clothes, so the prosecution makes a half-hearted comment about it being a dress made of hair, and then sits down to compose a letter to Anne Hathaway's ex-boyfriend's prison, to make sure he wasn't allowed to watch this and enjoy her pain.
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit G
The defense thinks it's on a roll, so it champions this Armani Prive satin gown, but the prosecution thinks it resembles the wet ocean into which Anne's self-esteem may have torpedoed, after having been forced to complete the telecast versus running off to In N Out burger. The defense applauds restraint in styling with this very shiny gown; the prosecution is relieved Anne at least got to appear on-stage by herself for a bit, without that walking mumble vortex next to her. They high-five again.
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit G
The prosecution does pop up once more to note that Anne should fire her eyelash wranglers, as all night, the outer corner of her left lashes seemed to be slowly wilting off her face.
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit H
The prosecution shakes its head sadly and wonders what Rachel Zoe was thinking, making Anne live out her most triumphant moment -- the end of the show -- in a Tom Ford that's too heavy and severe. The defense is all, "But she radiates joy!" The prosecution counters, "She radiates stress-induced MANIA," noting that at this point in the show she was introducing Steven Spielberg like she was a fan who won the hosting gig by phone-in competition, as opposed to an actress who works with super-famous people all the time. The defense doesn't care and thinks she deserves some slack because...
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit H
... this is clearly the moment at which she is thinking, "I can't undo this, can I?" The prosecution really wishes she had undone the decision to wear this, because what it's doing to her boobs under there is creeping out everybody. James Franco bursts into the courtroom to try and defend himself, but his speech is so slow and slurry that everybody just sort of ignores him and figures he wont' even notice until they're all already gone and at happy hour.
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit H
The prosecution wonders if this photo was taken after somebody asked Anne if she would ever host again.
Anne Hathaway: Exhibit H
The defense and the prosecution agree that, whether you like the dress or not, at the end of the show Anne was so relieved to be ending this hellstorm that she couldn't keep it in any longer, and thus threw her arms in the air and waved them like she just didn't care -- because, in fact, she did not. Everyone agrees that although she might have irritating tendencies, Anne's bizarre contributions to the hosting gig were probably due to her overcompensating for how crappy the banter and her lump of a co-host were -- and that although she had ample time to see this coming and prepare a serious of hilarious WTF faces, she cannot be held responsible for her own desperate mania. The judge bangs the gavel and suggests that we end this thing already because we seriously need a drink, and also, to send Anne a crate of champagne and some mind-erasing medication, and maybe a really hot male prostitute just in case.