Carrie Underwood: Exhibit A
The prosecution rises and says only two words: expensive gangrene. Then its leader tosses a tube of salve over to the defense, which rises and notes, "You can't spell 'Neosporin' without 'in.'" The prosecution interjects that you also can't spell Neosporin without "no," and wonders why her hair -- which has always seemed to be at least MOSTLY real -- suddenly looks like it was made in a factory and then shoved in a package with Ken Paves' name on it. The defense wastes too much time trying to find helpful words inside the names of other antibiotics, so the judge demands that things keep moving.
Carrie Underwood: Exhibit B
The prosecution slaps itself in the face and wonders if we are in 2008. The defense is like, "HA, MISTAKE, you're thinking of 2007," and then hangs its head in regret. The prosecution points out that you could put any year in there because apparently Carrie Underwood has a serious mullet addiction, and wonders sadly if someone in her life would please stage an intervention. The defense tries to save things by pointing out that at least she's consistent, but the prosecution -- after chortling that this dress kind of looks more like a mullet wearing an eyepatch -- notes that consistency breeds repetition.
Carrie Underwood: Exhibit B.5
The prosecution digs up two recent concert outfits to prove a point, before sniffing that one of them is like cellophane and the other, a bird on a leash. The defense objects violently to the introduction of evidence from outside the award-show event and the prosecution sheepishly sits back down, but surreptitiously high-fives each other and makes the "we're totally getting shitfaced later" drinking hand-motion.
Carrie Underwood: Exhibit C
The prosecution blurts out, "Is her dress blurry?" The defense announces that, no, it's not blurry, it's SOFT and ROMANTIC. The prosecution contends again that it's like Vaseline-drenched camera lens of outfits, to which the defense sniffs, "Well, lens Vaseline was good enough for Krystle Carrington..."
Carrie Underwood: Exhibit D
The prosecution yawns, but it's unclear whether the dress or the already played-out Gangnam Style parody skit is to blame. The defense leaps up and says that simple sequins are a classic, and really, aren't we all happy in these tremulous times just to see some cheerful sparkle? The prosecution objects to this shameless manipulation but expresses admiration for all the people struggling to rebuild after Superstorm Sandy and sincerest wishes that they're able to find kernels of hope and human kindness amid the rubble.
Carrie Underwood: Exhibit E
The defense is like, "Oh, of course, RIGHT, you finish with the one where she looks like the draping on the side of a parade float." The prosecution immediately rests.