Carrie Underwood: Exhibit A
The prosecution begins by stating the very obvious fact that it's irresponsible of Ms. Underwood to leave herself open to so many puns -- like, for example, "We can see your underwood," or the clumsy "wood you please wear something under that," or the more irrational "Two words diverge in an open underwood and I, I took the crotch less traveled by." The defense objects on the grounds that it's not fair to bring dead poets into this against their will, and the estate of Robert Frost asks to have the last one stricken from the record. The judge agrees, because it really was absurd. The defense chokes out something about how her hair at least looks different and less brassy, but sits down quickly so as not to embarrass itself by trying to rationalize the rest of it.
Carrie Underwood: Exhibit B
The prosecution opts to skip this one, not because it approves of the hip kerchief, but because it knows what's coming and feels tremendous pity for the Underwood attorneys. The defense points out that at least Carrie's hair looks mildly different and less brassy than usual, then immediately sits back down and telephones a liquor store to inquire about delivery.
Carrie Underwood: Exhibit C
The prosecution yawns when it realizes this is a parody of Robin Thicke and Miley at the VMAs, then realizes Carrie Underwood looks nothing LIKE Miley at the VMAs except for the presence of a foam finger, and even that is more like a miniature foam forklift. The defense argues that nobody wanted Carrie to go all tongue-and-two-piece on us, because we lived through Miley doing it once, and it was lame then, never mind what she tells you. The prosecution tips its hat to this point, but can't help wondering where upholstered bell bottoms and a kerchief come into play. The defense suggests that if the prosecution had just WATCHED the CMAs, then maybe it would UNDERSTAND this NUANCED and WONDERFUL comedic masterwork, and the prosecution is like, "Well, THAT came in like a wrecking ball," and then everyone sings for a little while until the judge is sick of hearing that song again and bangs the gavel to see the next slide.
Carrie Underwood: Exhibit D
The prosecution says , "WORDS." The defense insists this is an improper defense, but the prosecution claims it wasn't finished, and that it was actually "WORDS:" and meant to be followed by a list of them -- words like "LEI" and "NO" and ANKLE FLAPS and BEDSPREAD and DRYER SHEETS. The defense calls back the liquor store and tacks on an extra bottle of Jagermeister to the order.
Carrie Underwood: Exhibit E
The prosecution says, "SOFA SO GOOD," and then shoots the defense with some finger-guns. The defense suggests that there's no need for imitation weaponry in a hall of justice, and then is interrupted by the booze delivery. When the guy holding the clipboard sees the pants, he laughs for a full ten seconds before asking who kidnapped 1973 and whether the authorities will adjust the ransom to its approximate value in Now money. The defense "accidentally" kicks him in the groin.
Carrie Underwood: Exhibit F
The prosecution points out how apt the letter is on this exhibit, and wonders why her tinsel boots are rockin' around the Christmas tree when it's not even Thanksgiving yet, because such perfidy is usually reserved for grocery stores and Target. The defense looks up from mixing a Moscow Mule to suggest that, hey, at least it's attached to the boots instead of being ankle socks -- a literal silver lining. The prosecution thinks that's a misuse of "literal" because the silver is on the outside and not the inside of the boot, and the defense wonders if the prosecution could stand to calm the f' down and take a drink and maybe uninstall the grammar stick up its behind. The judge demands that this be stricken from the record, because the grammar stick is too important to unplug and we can't afford to have everyone running around using prepositions to end sentences with. The defense wonders if that's more of a syntax or usage stick, and the Stick Lobby pops in to request that everyone leave them out of this because it's boring and they don't want people to think sticks are this unexciting.
Carrie Underwood: Exhibit G
The prosecution stands up and says, "Phall we continue," then chortles at its own joke even though nobody gets it. The prosecution asks if NOBODY else noticed the giant pink phallus pointing down at her nethers? The defense says you can't PROVE it's a phallus; maybe it's just a dress that's sponsored by the letter T. The prosecution asks if anyone wants to call Sesame Street and inform the producers that the show's signature move has been stolen, so the defense retracts its comment and resumes lighting shots of Jager on fire.
Carrie Underwood: Exhibit H
The prosecution is getting tired of standing and sitting and standing and sitting, and wonders why Carrie Underwood needed to wear THIS MANY DIFFERENT OUTFITS. The defense tipsily notes that this isn't even really an outfit because it has so many bald spots, then hiccups and claps a hand over its collective mouth. The prosecution suggests topical antibiotics to Carrie and then cues up the next slide.
Carrie Underwood: Exhibit I
The prosecution requests that Carrie stop having her erogenous zones massaged by a giant eagle. The defense lifts its head from the table long enough to say that without the eagle, this would just be cargo potholders, then vomits into a trashcan. The prosecution can't decide whether Crotch Eagle or Ass Flaps is a worse offense, and the defense raises its hand and says, "BULL TRUE."
Carrie Underwood: Exhibit I, Part 2
The prosecution then shifts over to the slide of Carrie performing in this outfit alongside a bunch of Duck Dynasty people, and suggests that her miserable expression is all the evidence anyone needs. The judge looks at the defense, which is now swaying and singing 'Feelings' on top of the table, and wonders why the prosecution didn't just lead with this slide and spare Fug Nation taxpayers the lengthy trial. The prosecution shrugs and says it's just more fun to drive the winning nail in last.