Sam Mikulak

YOKED INDEED, Sam. Yoked indeed. Also, I like their tanks. If the female gymnasts like wearing sparkles, then great, but I rather wish they also just sometimes went basic and cool. A version of these for women would have looked great.

Jake Dalton

On Day 1, they wore white, and it's ALSO good. As is his toe point. Some female gymnasts do a better job than others incorporating the dance elements into their floor routines, but I've always resented that the women are REQUIRED to do that stuff and can't just make it about tumbling and skill, the way the men do.

Alex Naddour

Instead of watching these athletes compete, we got a retread of an old story about Michael Phelps/swimmers doing cupping, and Phelps putting on a Baby Bjorn. For real. NBC needs to understand that all that shit can go viral online if they like and be just as valuable to them if not more. Please don't tell me AGAIN that Maya DiRado has some nebulous "high-powered" job in Atlanta and is buying a house and is married and this is her first and last Olympics.

Sam Mikulak

Pardon me, sir, but your pythons appear to have swallowed tiny bowling balls.

Sam Mikulak

The hills are aliiiiiive...

Danell Leyva

The pommel horse is one of those apparatuses (apparata?) that seems BONKERS to me. I always wonder -- and I may have said this already even -- whether the women watch the men and think, "Thank GOD I don't have to do THAT f'ing thing," and the men watch the beam and think, "Thank GOD I don't have to do THAT f'ing thing." Now please admire the athletic and strong loveliness that is Mr. Leyva.

Jake Dalton

That is a nice flying glut right there.

Chris Brooks

Tim Daggett did give me ONE piece of analysis I hadn't heard before, which was that the men often have to let their fingers off the rings to prove to the judges that they're balancing correctly and not cocking their wrists. Also: TRICEPS.

Norway

Norway only made it through Day 1. I like the very simple tank. Why do, as Sam said, people call those pants "tights"? They're more like... streamlined sweatpants. I actually bet they'd love to get rid of those. They look like doing gymnastics in your PJs.

Ireland

This is a very Donatella Versace color palette. No, really.

Ukraine

Another reason NBC whiffed by not showing any of this competition (and frankly, as I type this, they're showing women's gymnastics and still only bothering with our gymnasts, which is.... for a network that has said results are not as important as the drama, they are MISSING THE DAMN DRAMA) is that Ukraine basically quit. The theory is that once their gymnasts qualified for everything after Day 1, the team knew it didn't have a shot at a medal in the team comp and wanted to save the athletes' health for the individual events. So one literally walked out, grabbed the high bar, then let go and bowed and left. His introductory name and flag graphic were still up on the screen when he finished. It's.... INSANE. The analysts on the live feed were like, "What... is happening?"

Louis Smith

The UK went with a blocky all-blue thing on Day One, in addition to an impressive man-bun. (I wish he'd borrowed glitter and clips from the women's team, just for fun -- I mean, the judges might be so amused by that, they could overlook a few demerits?)

Brinn Bevan

On Day 2, it was a red version. All limb sculpting remained the same, and impressive.

Andreas Toba

This poor guy hurt himself -- not as badly as the French guy who snapped his leg, which was GRUESOME and I am not running a photo of it, but his entire lower leg basically turned left -- and then Kerri Strugged it and got his team into the finals, but was too hurt to compete in them. This photo makes me emotional.

Germany

Toby's teammates gave it their best delt. I mean, hot. I mean, shot.

China

"Hey girl, no big deal, just lying down in mid-air." I like the red and gold part of the uniform. More please. I wish the women's team's uniforms were entirely that.

Korea

Groovy shirt, groovy quads.

Diego Hypolito

These are attractive uniforms. I am in favor of them. ARMS.

Francisco Barretto

Brazil's team was truly hideous to look at, and not at all sculpted nor charming.

Francisco Barretto

#goals. Except, I need to achieve this without... doing any of this. Such a pickle.

Sergio Sasaki

It seems I just kept downloading pictures. And kept downloading. And kept downloading.

Arthur Mariano

And kept downloading.

Russia

Okay, but for all the ogling, it's worth repeating that the human body is capable of truly amazing things. I hold my breath during the Olympics for so many reasons, but gymnastics is truly the most astonishing sight.

Japan

They won gold in a VERY VERY tight clash with Russia. Kohei Uchimura, the six-time world champ, apparently wept beforehand when asked about the prospect of team gold. And they got it, and in kind of awesome retro-looking outfits that remind me vaguely of the Houston Astros of yore. I mean, not entirely, but that font is totally goofballs.

Your Afternoon Men: Arms of the Male Gymnasts at the Rio 2016 Olympics

The Wall Street Journal wrote an article the other day about how our male gymnasts WANT to be objectified. So I'm really just giving them what they want. The premise of the piece is that men's gymnastics is not nearly as popular as the women's division, and while there is no overlooking the fact that this is because the men's team is also not nearly as TALENTED, I like Sam Mikulak's quote anyway: “Maybe compete with our shirts off,” said U.S. star Sam Mikulak, the four-time, reigning all-around national champion. “People make fun of us for wearing tights. But if they saw how yoked we are maybe that would make a difference.” Ergo: Look how yoked they are. P.S. I knew as soon as NBC kept showing swim semis, and not the advertised gymnastics, that the men's team had gone splat. But I'm hugely bothered for them, their families, their communities, and sports fans like me that NBC decided not to bother with them once they didn't make the podium. They worked just as hard as any other team to get to Rio, so I'd have liked to support them in good times and in bad; furthermore, the competition was actually EXTREMELY tense and included one team quitting and two others in a hot battle for gold. NBC has gone on-record as saying women don't care about the results of sports; they just want sob stories and drama. Well, up yours for that nasty, backward bit of sexism, NBC. I don't say this often, but: Learn from ESPN. When they decide not to show a scheduled event, they kick it down to ESPN2 or ESPNU and tell you about it. NBC has made a huge deal out of how many THOUSANDS of hours of Olympics coverage they are theoretically offering, and across how many different TV channels in the NBC Uni family, and yet NONE of them had space for the men's competition? Streaming live is not an option for most people, so once USA's scheduled coverage is done, boot the Law & Order marathons for three hours and let the gymnastics breathe there, if you ABSOLUTELY MUST evict it. Don't just be gross and act like primetime only belongs to those who bring home spoils. How about human interest? How about the wonderful, heartening pep talk our guys gave to each other after the roughest night of their gymnastics lives? How about the lesson for our watching kids that class and sportsmanship and never-say-die are as much part of the Olympic spirit as winning? Shame on you, NBC. You're not here for the athletes, you're here for the dollars. We always knew it, but now it's tattooed on your legacy. [Photos: Getty]