"Hello, I'm Noted TV Star Charlize Theron, here to talk to you about my new F/X comedy Balls, in which I play a woman with a messy personal life who runs a sporting-goods factory. The slogan is, 'Throw a Pair.'"
"Just kidding. I'm here to remind you that a) I really am Charlize Theron, and when I am not standing near Sean Penn, you kind of like me; b) I can wear fancy-dress harnesses without looking saggy because that's just how it is and you need to deal with that realness; and c) if you haven't seen my new Mad Max movie at least twice by now, you will get a one-way ticket down MY Fury Road, except SEE, I look SO NICE here, because I am PLEASANT, and all that Furiosa stuff was ACTING, and if you want to remember that come Oscar time then go right ahead."
[Photo: Getty]