In case you missed the hot gossip, Shailene Woodley is allegedly now engaged to Aaron Rodgers, the Green Bay Packers quarterback. (They supposedly met during the pandemic over the summer; he broke up with Danica Patrick in July; no one had any idea any of this was happening; it shocked the pants off us all when we found out they'd paired up; I want to know if they BOTH sunbathe their privates; she told a late-night show she never thought she'd be engaged to someone who "throws balls for a living.") I hope, in figuring out a long-distance relationship during a deadly pandemic, Mama Shai pruned her wardrobe -- the better to travel with -- and firmly discarded these jeans (and not for nothing, also the shoes). I think they're Balmain, and they are an '80s fever nightmare, and are probably a key reason why so many people of this generation are clinging to our skinny jeans like grim death. We cannot bathe ourselves in denim in this manner again, children.